D'Var Torah - Ki Seitzei
By Rabbi Baruch Lederman
A Jewish marriage should last forever. If there is a situation that
makes this untenable, the Torah gives us the option of divorce. Divorce is
intended as a last resort, not as first aid. The following true story gives us
some insight into this important area:
A couple came to Rav Chaim Ozer Grodzensky ztz"l, the famous expert
in Halacha (Jewish Law) asking that he officiate a divorce for them. Rav Chaim
Ozer tried to dissuade the couple from getting a divorce. He spoke to them at
length in an effort to reconcile their differences. Despite the Rabbi's best
efforts at mediating, persuading and cajoling, the couple was adamant about
getting a divorce. Rav Chaim Ozer had no choice but to relent and agree to write
the get (divorce document).
He asked the woman what her first name was and she answered that
her name was Ratchka. Rav Chaim Ozer told her that he had never heard of such a
name. She explained that her real name was Raizel, but people called her
Ratchka. The Rabbi now sensed a glimmer of hope.
Rav Chaim Ozer explained to them that there was a halachic problem
with the writing of this divorce. He could not use the name Ratchka because that
was not her real name. He couldn't use the name Raizel, even though it was her
real name, because she wasn't actually known by that name. The only halachically
acceptable solution was for the couple to go home and for the husband to call
her by the name Raizel for 30 days. At that point he could write the name Raizel
in the get.
They went home and never came back again.
Apparently, when the husband called her by the name Raizel,
he perceived her a little differently. The wife sensed this
and she consequently felt and acted differently toward him. One thing led to
another and they rejuvenated their bond and reconciled their differences.
The above true story is documented in the historical text "Men of
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dedicate a Dvar Torah in memory/honor of a loved one/event.
"You shall not see your brother's ox or lamb lost... ...you shall
surely return them to him." (22:1) The Chofetz Chaim comments on this verse,
that if it is a mitzvah to return a Jews property when it is lost, then it is
surely a mitzvah to return the Jew when he himself is lost (spiritually).
A resident of Jerusalem was traveling from the United States to
Israel. Seated next to him on the plane was an older Jewish man, a holocaust
survivor. The Jerusalemite engaged him in friendly conversation and invited him
to join him in his shul for the upcoming High Holidays. The man rebuffed, "I can
not go to shul after what G-d did to me. He took my only son away from me. We
were captured by the Nazis and split up to different camps. My beloved son was
sent to one of the worst death camps. No one survived. My beloved son, so young,
so full of promise... ...I stopped speaking to G-d, I can never go to
shul."
In a very loving manner he said to the man, "You could just come
for Yom Kippur so that you can say Yizkor for your son, to honor his memory."
The man sort of grumbled and the fellow figured he would never see him
again.
Yom Kippur came and the hopeful host was pleasantly surprised to
see that the man did indeed show up for Yizkor. The practice in that small shul
was for the Cantor to go around to each person asking them for the Hebrew name
and the relationship of each person whom they wanted to say Yizkor for.
The Cantor reached this man, who sat himself sheepishly in the back, last. He
asked him for the requisite information. The man was very emotional as this was
the first time in all the years that he could bring himself to come to shul and
say Yizkor. The man said with mist in his eyes and a lump in his throat, "I am
saying Yizkor for my son Jacob Goldberg, his hebrew name is Yaakov Yosef ben
Moshe Aharon HaLevi."
For no apparent reason, the Cantor swallowed hard and froze in his
tracks, turning white as if he just saw a ghost. The Cantor stared intently at
the man and finally managed to squeal in a shocked cracked voice, "Abba?"
Because of one man's simple warmth, concern and kindness, a father
and son were reunited. Eventually the father joined his son in Israel and
rededicated himself to Torah and Mitzvos, to prayer and to G-d. A lost
soul returned.
DVAR TORAH: KI
SEITZEI
The Torah tells us
how to act properly when going through war and when going through
life. The same situation can be viewed from a perspective of
holiness and righteousness or from a perspective profanity and
perversity. How we approach daily issues has a profound impact on
our lives as the following story illustrates:
Jerry was always in
a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone
would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any
better, I would be twins!"
If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the
employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. One day
I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a
positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied,
"Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two
choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose
to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time
something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose
to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone
comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or
I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive
side of life."
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," he
said.
"Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every
situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You
choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good
mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live
life."
Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are
never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door
open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers.
While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness,
slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him.
Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local
trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive
care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the
bullets still in his body.
I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him
how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. The
first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked
the back door. Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had
two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I
chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me
I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency
room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and
nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead
man." I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me,"
said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I
replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for
my reply. I took a breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their
laughter, I told them, I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I
am alive, not dead."
Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because
of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have
the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.
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