Dvar Torah: The Notebook
In 1991, our three month old son Shlomo Moshe Lederman returned his soul to his creator. While we were sitting shiva, a number of Rabbis offered words of consolation. I found these words very inspiring. I wrote them down in a notebook (not a laptop, an actual paper notebook). I have never shared the contents of this notebook publicly. I do so now in honor of the occasion of the 2nd yahrtzeit of Hindy Cohen, a”h.
1. The Rosh Yeshivah, Rabbeinu HoRav Henoch Leibowitz shlit”a, told me that after Avraham was finished eulogizing Sarah, the Torah writes, “Vayakam me’al pnei maiso.” “He arose from before his dead (wife)” The word vayakam is mashma (implies) he arose very abruptly. The Rosh Yeshivah explained that Avraham was in the middle of his eulogy for Sarah when he heard a voice in his head say “it was your fault that she died.” Immediately he withdrew, stopped his eulogy, got up and left. He did this because he realized that the voice of guilt was a maaseh satan (act of satan), and the only way to fight the satan was to be mistalek (withdraw).
One thing we noticed is that we had enormous feelings of guilt. More than was rationally warranted – it was literally like someone opened up a fire hydrant into my brain and thoughts of guilt were flowing in. Other bereaved parents have described similar feelings to me. The Rosh Yeshivah’s vort (word) was extremely helpful to me because it made me realize that the guilt was unfounded and should be dismissed immediately.
2. Rabbi Dovid Chait told me that Shir Hashirim (Song of Songs), depicts the scene of a man walking through the garden, picking figs. This is an allegory for death, meaning that Hashem (G-d) picks the neshamos (souls) from Earth to go with him to Gan Eden. The reason Shlomo Hamelech used a fig for this parable, as opposed to any other fruit, is because a fig has the characteristic that it is very difficult to tell by looking at the outside, when it is ripe. So too with the neshama, we cannot tell by looking, which neshamos are ripe to go to gan eden. Some take 120 years, some take 60 years, some take 20 years. Our sons neshama was ‘ripe to be picked’ after 3 months.
3. Reb Mayer Pasternack told me in the name of his rebbe, Rav Yaakov Weinberg z”l, that Dovid Hamelech (King David) was supposed die as an infant. He only lived through Adam HaRishon’s intervention. Adam was informed that Dovid was slated to die as an infant, so he took 70 years off his life and gave them to Dovid so that he may live. Dovid’s father Yishai was one of four people who had no aveiros (sins); yet, he would have had an infant die (had it not been for Adam’s involvement). Therefore you cannot say that aveiros caused the death (albeit in this case potential death) – he had no aveiros.
A parent will often think that it must have been his sins that caused the death of the child. We see from here that that suspicion is unfounded.
4. HoRav Dovid Feinstein shlit”a told us that he when an innocent dies, it is a kapora (atonement) for Klal Yisroel (the Jewish people) and has nothing to do with the parents. A baby has no daas (knowledge) so it is innocent by default. The only fault a baby could have is that it cries and is mitzta’er (anguishes) the parents – but a baby cannot help doing so. After hearing Rav Feinstein’s vort we understood that our baby was a neshama tahora (pure soul) chosen to be a kapora for klal yisroel.
Rabbi Elimelech Bluth added later that the Chofetz Chaim said that if a person dies inexplicably - as was the case with the Chofetz Chaim’s sister-in-law, and the case with our baby. Doctors had no clue why babies died of SIDS back then and don’t really know now either - it is a kapora (atonement) for klal yisroel and has nothing to do with anyone’s aveiros.
5. The Rosh Yeshiva said that each neshama that comes down to this earth has a mission. Our son’s mission was accomplished in 3 months and 3 days, at which point he was ready for gan eden. We were zocheh (meritorious) to be the vehichle through which he made it to gan eden* and going to gan eden is a zechus gamor (total benefit). There is a strong klal, megalgelin zechus al y’dei zakau’in (good things only happen through good people). So we see, we must be zakau’in, otherwise the zechus couldn’ have come through us.
*Pretty much everyone told us that when an infant dies, (s)he goes straight to gan eden. Rabbi Siff told us that Reb Moshe poskined (ruled) not to say kaddish for infants because they go straight to gan eden and don’t need our kaddish for additional merit.
6. Rabbi Dovid Weinberger told us: When Amram, the future father of Moshe, saw that Jewish baby boys were being thrown into the nile, he decreed that all Jews should divorce so that babies wouldn’t be born, hence no baby boys would be thrown in the Nile. Miriam had 3 objections including the taanah that Paroah’s edict was depriving the boys of olam hazeh (this world) by throwing them into the Nile, but you are depriving olam hazeh and olam haba (this world and the next world), they will not be born into this world and hence cannot continue on to the next world. An acharon asked what was Miriam thinking. Is it worth it to have kids just to have them thrown in the Nile. The answer is a resounding YES!!!
We see clearly from here that the Daas Torah is that if someone could come to you and offer the choice of having a baby and losing him, or, not having him at all, the clear cut choice is to have him because the only way that poor little neshama can get to olam haba is to come down through this earth. Even a miscarriage goes to olam haba. You are doing that neshama a tremendous favor.
8. The Rosh Yeshiva told me that the Maharshal askes a kasha (difficulty): Yaakov should have realized that Yosef was still alive because there is a klal (rule) – mais nishtachach min halev (the pain of a deceased loved one becomes forgotten from the heart after a year or so). The fact that Yaakov was nisabel for 22 years meant yosef lo mais (Yosef didn’t die). The Maharshal answers that when a person is in tzaar (anguish), you don’t realize that you are in tzaar. Yaakov didn’t think he was in tzaar. The tzaar causes you to think you are not in tzaar. If you would approach Yaakov he would tell you, “You think this is tzaar?! This is nothing! Real tzaar is beyond beyond.
Usually, as you start feeling stronger you start crying less. Then you feel guilty that you don’t love the baby because you’re not crying enough. You start to feel that you don’t miss the baby enough. The fact that you feel guilty is really proof that you love the child because you don’t this way concerning other children. The fact is, you are in extreme tzaar; you just fail to realize it.
10. The Rosh Yeshiva told me: The brothers came back from Mitzrayim and told Yaakov that they were required by the Egyptian ruler to bring their baby brother Binyamin back to Mitzrayim with them in order to free the brother who was imprisoned there. Yaakov didn’t want Binyamin to travel to Mitzrayim, lest there be an ason (tragedy). The Torah says ason twice, indicating two tragedies. The pshat (explanation) is; Binyamin was Yaakov’s last link to Yosef. Losing Binyamin would be losing Binyamin and Yosef. The Rosh Yeshiva’s father died first. He told me that when he lost his mother it was like he lost his mother and his father. He told me that he said this at his mother’s hesped.
11. The Rosh Yeshiva told me that his father Reb Dovid Leibowitz ztzvk”l, was his father, his friend, his Rebbi – he was everything to him. He was devastated to lose him. The Rosh Yeshiva told me that he has gotten over the loss of his father, but he has never gotten over the loss of his Rebbi.
Dedicated by Baruch & Adina Cohen in memory of their daughter Hindy, a"h (Chana Hinda bas Baruch Chaim v'Adina) on the occasion of her second yahrtzeit.
DVAR TORAH: The Notebook, Part 2
On a cold Shabbos afternoon in February 1991, our three month old son Shlomo
Moshe Lederman returned his soul to his creator. We were eating Shabbos lunch.
Shlomo Moshe
was sleeping in his crib in the same room. My wife, Debbi benched first so that
she could grab a nap while the baby was sleeping. She got up, looked at the
baby, saw he was fine,
and then went to the bed room to lie down. I benched about 10 minutes later,
went over to look at the baby, and saw that he was blue.
I called Hatzoloh ambulance, which whisked the baby to the Booth Memorial
Hospital Emergency Room. Through emergency CPR, the baby's skin regained its
pink color and
was still warm; however he was still a flat liner - meaning that he didn't have
a pulse on his own. The ER doctors worked vigorously on him for about 45 minutes
before pronouncing
him deceased.
While we were sitting shiva, a number of Rabbis offered words of consolation. I
found these words very inspiring. I wrote them down in a notebook. In addition,
I recorded personal
observations in another section of the notebook which I entitled, "Chasdei
Hashem." "G-d's Kindnesses." Losing a child is a horrific heart wrenching
experience. Nothing I write is
going to change that, nor should it. Despite this, my eishes chayil and I found
that if it had to happen, Hashem softened the blow for us as much as possible.
We saw and felt G-d's
hand with us in many ways. I never shared this section of the notebook publicly
till now, in honor of the occasion of the 3rd yahrtzeit of Hindy Cohen, a"h:
The baby laughed and smiled at me when he was 2˝ months of age. None of our
other children did this at that age. It was a special treat for me to experience
that before he
passed away.
While waiting for the ambulance to arrive, I did CPR. It turned out to be an
opportunity to give a last hug and kiss to the baby.
Rabbi Eliezer Halpern, a member of Hatzoloh, who normally was not on call on
Shabbos, happened to have his walkie-talkie on and heard the call. This is
significant because he
lived on our block and was at our apartment literally in under a minute.
Dr. Tzachy Gittleson was available for the call and was able to stay in Trauma A
(the actual room off the ER where they worked on the baby). This is significant
because typically,
hatzoloh members are not doctors. Having him along made us feel that everything
possible was being done for our baby.
As a member of Hatzoloh myself, I knew that typically when a patient is brought
in with no pulse, the ER doctors work on him for about 20 minutes before giving
up. The fact that they
persisted for a full 45 minutes made us feel that everything possible was being
done for our baby.
I wound up getting back from hospital 1˝ hours before Shabbos was over. This
gave just enough time for me to tell Debbi what had happened at the Emergency
Room, and for us
to sort things out. During that conversation, Debbi had the presence of mind to
tell me that the death of a child can bring a couple closer to Hashem and closer
to each other; or it
can drive them from Hashem and from each other. She concluded simply with, "Let
us choose closer." That gave me a new perspective which made all the difference
in the world.
If it was too much time before Shabbos end; we would go crazy with anxiety
waiting for havdala so that we could begin our preparations for the funeral.
Additionally, the fact that it
wasn't long before the end of Shabbos, made it easier for the hatzoloh shomrim
to watch the baby and it made it easier for us to convince the ER doctors not to
call the Medical
Examiner till after Shabbos.
The weather cleared up for Sunday afternoon levaya. Shabbos was freezing and
windy, Sunday morning was snowing, Sunday afternoon was perfect.
Both parents were there, neither parent had to explain it or "break it" to
other. We both saw baby blue with our own eyes - this sight, as horrible as it
is, helped us accept the reality
of what was happening. For that matter we both saw the kevurah. I know that is
common, but we never realized what a difference it makes. Watching as the last
inch of the coffin was
completely covered by the dirt was the most painful moment of my life, but it
helps you realize the finality of the situation.
It didn't happen with a baby sitter. The SIDS could have struck at any time.
Imagine if it had happened when the baby was with a baby sitter. Imagine how we
would have felt if our
baby died and we weren't there. Imagine how the poor baby sitter would have
felt. Our baby sitter at that time was a Russian Jew who didn't speak English.
If it happened with her,
we would have always thought that perhaps we could have called for help quicker
or done something different.
We were about to switch the baby to solids, but had not yet done so. Had we just
started the baby on solid foods, and then the baby died the next day, we would
have been ridden
with guilt that the solid food killed him. (This may be irrational, but much of
the guilt you feel after a death is irrational. Deal with it.)
SIDS unaffected by early detection - no guilt that we could have done something.
Shlomo Moshe's death was quick and painless - for both baby and parents.
The fact that we had two other wonderful children, Dovid and Rivki was an
immeasurable consolation to us. We had met couples who had lost their only child
to SIDS and could
not imagine how horrible that is.
Both of us were in availus. There was total understanding, togetherness. When
one spouse is in mourning and the other is not, it is hard to feel the others
pain. Additionally, when a
couple suffers a miscarriage or a stillborn, it is difficult for the husband to
relate to it as deeply as the wife who actually carried the baby. Debbi saw
b'chush how broken up Baruch
was. Sometimes when there is a death in the family, one spouse takes it harder
and there is a friction due to unequal rates of mourning. Here that was not the
case.
The Medical Examiner on duty Sunday morning had a working relationship and
respect for Rabbi Eugene Gluck. Rabbi Gluck, a New York State Chaplain persuaded
the M.E. not
to perform an autopsy and to release the baby quickly from the hospital so that
the levaya could take place on Sunday. This was significant because there had
recently been a
high profile child abuse case in New York City, and autopsies on infant
fatalities were being routinely mandated at that time.
The ambulance medics and the ER doctors informed us that the baby didn't choke
on anything. One less thing not to be guilty about.
No physical or medical cause of guilt. Even earlier treatment wouldn't have
helped.
Booth Memorial was very willing to break rules in order to accommodate our
religious needs. Among other things, they allowed Hatzoloh to transport baby.
We didn't move to Milwaukee. I had been interviewing the year before for a
position in Milwaukee. Had we taken the position, we would have had to go
through all of this without the
myriad friends and family we had in New York.
I read 4 statistics about SIDS: It is more prevalent in males, it is most
prevalent between ages of 2-4 mos., It is most prevalent in January-February, it
for some reason it occurs
more often on weekends. Shlomo Moshe fit all 4 statistics. I can't explain why
this fact gave me comfort, but for some reason it did.
Shlomo Moshe died on Shabbos, which we were told was a zechus.
I had gotten a haircut recently. This may sound trivial, but if one is needing a
haircut badly, and then has to go into mourning which he may not cut his hair,
it can be ... well ... hairy.
The Rosh Yeshiva was in town for the entire shloshim. He flew to Israel Monday
night (shloshim ended Monday day.) I didn't speak to the Rosh Yeshiva every
single day of
shloshim, but somehow, his being there was a comfort for me.
We always called him by his full name, so when we meet a Shloimy or a Moishy, we
don't automatically get a painful reminder to Shlomo Moshe.
He had not yet gotten his hair or nails cut, so he died a shalem (Shlomo).
Statistically, we're no worse than anyone else as far as having another SIDS
baby, so we don't need to be paranoid about it happening again.
There were a few things that didn't go our way, but because of all the other
numerous chasodim (kindnesses) from Hashem, we were able to accept them easily,
for we could see
that G-d was "on our side".
Make no mistake about it, if we could do it all over again and had a choice, we
would choose for this never to have happened; but if it had to happen we are so
glad that we
experienced all these myriad kindnesses from Hakadosh Baruch Hu. It made us feel
closer to Hashem than ever.
Dedicated by Baruch & Adina Cohen in memory of their daughter Hindy, a"h (Chana
Hinda bas Baruch Chaim v'Adina) on the occasion of her third yahrtzeit.
Dvar Torah: The Notebook. Part 3
In 1991, our three month old son Shlomo Moshe Lederman returned his soul to his creator. After sitting shiva, I took a notebook and collected my thoughts. I organized this into three parts. The first part is entitled Divrei Chizuk – words of strength, consolation and inspiration offered to us by many outstanding Rabbis. The second part is entitled Chasdei Hashem – how we saw and felt G-d’s hand with us helping us through the ordeal. The third part is entitled Ha’aros – my personal observations and insights, culled from my experience sitting shiva for my son. I never shared the contents of this notebook publicly till two years ago. At the urging of my chaver, Baruch Cohen, I presented Part 1 in ShulWeek two years ago. Last year, I published Part 2. I now offer Part 3 in honor of the occasion of the 4th yahrtzeit of Hindy Cohen, a”h.
1. When you go through the experience of petirah, aninus, and shiva (death and mourning), after just a couple of days (or less) into it, it seems as though a hundred years have passed. I believe this is because you are living and thinking and focusing during every minute of this time as a result of the tremendous impact the event has made on you. You are so impacted, you can’t eat or sleep and you remember every moment, so the day seems so long because it is so full. During a normal day, most of the day flies by on autopilot. You are intensely involved only a few hours or even minutes. It can take a hundred lackadaisical years to rack up as many minutes of life and awareness as we had that week. Perhaps that’s the reason for the phenomenon.
2. When you have a simcha (joyous occasion), friends/family help because they help you feel the simcha At my wedding, by the time I arrived at the hall I was too tzetumult (disheveled) to feel simcha because of all the preparations I needed to do that day. It wasn’t until I saw everyone else’s smiling faces exclaiming mazel tov that I suddenly snapped into the moment and was able to feel the natural simcha and get in to it and enjoy my wedding (which I did very much).
By a tzaar (painful experience), friends/family help, not because they cheer you up, but because they help you feel the tzaar – and you need that. Other people’s tears helped me cry and that made me feel better. Other people’s sad faces made me focus even more on the tragedy that occurred and on my own sadness, and that made me feel good. You could say it was therapeutic.
3. This tzaar did not create a distance but rather it created a tremendous feeling of closeness to Hashem. It is mekayaim (a fulfillment of): shivticha umishantecha heima yinachamuni (Your staff and rod comfort me). The staff gives the sheep comfort because now she knows the master is guiding her, now she no longer feels lost. Perhaps we felt more closeness because Hashem and Olam Haba seemed more real to us. Mashiach for the first time, was real. For the first time in my life, while davening shemonah esrei, I cried during the bracha: mechayei meisim (He revives the dead). I said this bracha thousands of times before, but now it had a profound personal meaning to me. Friends told Debbi, “Now you have one more reason to want Mashiach.
4. I learned what is the right thing to say to someone who is sitting shiva.
People are often afraid to visit someone who is sitting shiva because they don’t
know what to say. “What can I possibly say to help this person who just suffered
this devastating loss?”
I am here to tell you that it doesn’t matter what you say. As long as you are
sad about the death, and express it in any way at all, it will give enormous
comfort. We found that when a person came to visit us, we could feel comfort
right away just by seeing the expression on their face, or hearing the tone in
their voice.
A friend of mine, Yisroel Perkal, was in Milwaukee at the time of the shiva. He called me on the phone and gave me enormous comfort and consolation. I ran to tell my wife about the amazing things that he told me in that conversation and then realized that he didn’t say much at all – but the emotion that he had was so powerful that I felt it all the way from New York. It was one of the most uplifting phone calls I ever received, yet I couldn’t even tell you what he said; I could only feel it.
I learned from this experience that it doesn’t matter what you say and it
doesn’t matter that you can’t possibly understand what the mourner is going
through, so don’t worry about that. If you are sad, the mourner will feel a
little better. It made my wife and I feel good knowing that other people cared
about our son, even though most people didn’t know our son at all (he was three
months old – he didn’t get out very much).
Some people said all the right things, yet it didn’t have much of an effect on
us. Some people said all the wrong things yet it made us feel better. At the end
of the day, the only thing that mattered was the emotion each person exuded. I
guess this is what they mean when the say devarim hayotzei min halev nichnasim
lalev (words from the heart enter the heart).
Rav David Feinstein, shlit”a, visited us during shiva. As he was leaving, he said, “Im yirtzeh Hashem (G-d Willing) you should have more children.” Any ‘expert’ will tell you that you should never say something like this to someone who lost a child. They will tell you that the suggestion that another child will make things better minimizes the loss of the deceased child. Granted, the experts do have a point; nonetheless, when Rav Feinstein said it, you could see the tears in his eyes as he spoke these words. You could feel the tender love and benevolence that accompanied these words. We knew exactly what he truly meant. The WAY he said these words made them the most wonderful words in the world to us.
5. Lo alecha hamelacha ligmor. Sometimes people are hesitant to pay a shiva call because they feel, “This person just suffered a devastating loss. How can I make this all better?” I learned that it is not your job to make it all better. All you want to do is make the person feel a teeny bit better by being there for him/her. Now when I visit a shiva I always ask questions about the niftar; what kind of person (s)he was, etc. I learned from my experience that it helps the mourner to focus on the deceased, so I talk about the deceased when I pay a shiva call.
6. We found the hardest time was a half year later. In the beginning, you are
crying and everyone is crying with you. After a few months, everyone else has
pretty much forgotten about the whole thing and moved on with their lives, while
you are a still a shell of yourself. It feels incongruous and lonely, as your
life has changed forever and everyone around you is just ‘business as usual.’
Ironically, many people are thinking about your loss but don’t want to bring it
up anymore because they are afraid of stirring up unpleasant memories. What they
don’t realize is that for you, it is not just a memory. I found just the
opposite to be the case; I was always very happy when people spoke to me about
the baby, and I still am to this day. For the first year, I thought about Shlomo
Moshe, a”h, every minute. I no longer think about him constantly, but I do think
about him from time to time and I am happy when someone mentions him. I even
find that when I am at a funeral, I am crying both for the current niftar
(deceased) and my son. That winds up feeling good to me.
7. You will eventually feel normal again. Rabbi Shaya Cohen, who also lost a child, told us that we would eventually feel normal again. I didn’t believe him when he said this, but eventually I did start to feel normal again. Now I tell people sitting shiva that they will eventually feel normal again, and I am sure they don’t believe me.
Dedicated by Baruch & Adina Cohen in memory of their daughter Hindy, a"h (Chana Hinda bas Baruch Chaim v'Adina) on the occasion of her fourth yahrtzeit.
You can dedicate a Dvar Torah that will teach and inspire thousands of people. Dvar Torah Dedications: $180.
